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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/11/16 - 3/13/16
Absolute Blue Regulates
Taking inspiration from yet another television series, we decided that our true calling involved the law and its many applications. So with a renewed initiative, $19.95, a groupon and an inkjet printer we were able to secure a Certificate of Lawyering, which we assume means we can start soliciting for representation somewhat immediately. Our first foray was with the somewhat niche segment of Canine Law, but that was a disaster from the beginning, as anyone who has ever tried to explain the basic concept of a waiver to a Pekingese or tried to get a Dachshund to sign on the line which is dotted will tell you. Instead we plan on pioneering the concept of Linguistic Litigation which is not quite as dirty as is sounds. How many times have you offered up a clever word or phrase, then due to poorly written copyright laws a Corporation has gone on to bastardize, plagiarize and commercialize the concept and in the meantime generate a tidy sum for themselves. We say this must stop. Someone must stand up for the rights of the downtrodden, the uptrodden; the retrodden or detrodden. Just as long as the upfront non-refundable consultation check clears. Between that and the 80% recovery fee we should be able to clean up. Some of our initial cases include:
-Don, speaking to his contactor after negotiating a deal to renovate his bathroom was the first to say, ‘Go ahead, make my bidet’.
-When Tom was looking at Mid American Conference schools, the recruiter assured him ‘You're in good hands with Ball State’.
-Kevin’s grandfather from the old country was named Lavin Miasov long before it became text speak.
-When researching transvestite prostitute’s behavior for a Sociology project, Skip created the phrase that later became ‘Raging Hormones’.
-While Bill was explaining why he needed a flashlight to locate coins in the sofa, he infamously quipped to ‘See the change you wish to be in the couch’.
Friday marks our return to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…
Saturday we tend to a private party, but Sunday it’s SBI from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/04/16 - 3/05/16
Abs lute B ue Cuts ack
Afte a dis stro s fo rth q arte ear ings epor we ha e rec ived a man ate rom Corp rate h adqu rter that mmed ate c ts ac oss t e boar for ll A solu e Blu sect rs. T is in ludes he en erta nmen, clan est ne op rati ns an tact cal we pons ivis ons. his m ans c tting erso nel a well. ortu ately e hav carr ed an pen p sition rom o r last down izing i 1998 hen w laid ff bo h a flu tist nd a bass nnist. S no c anges ill e mad to th exist ng li e up. nfort nately his a so ap lies o all orres ondenc so ou m y be xper enci g som diff culty eadi g this. Howe er le ding cienti ts ha e det rmin d th t th bra n will ill i the miss ng pi ces l ke a c ossw rd or sud ku. Th s als comp ies w th ou env ronm ntal p lici s as w are onserv ng let ers f r fut re ge erati ns. Th onl prob em is hen us ng tex spe k, as we d n't kn w if e are Roll ng On Te Flo r Laug ing or si ply Lau hing ut Lo d. Or sking hat T e He l o Wha The uck. We h pe th t th re wi l not e add tion l cut acks s it w uld l ad to f rther i pair d com unic tion or per aps ev n buy ng a vo el or t o. O r keyb ard al eady s mis ing sev ral seld m us d let ers an Siri s cur ent y igno ing us. B t in t e mean ime y u can xpe t the s me top otch e terta nme t and f rt jok s fr m The W rst B nd ou’l Eve L ve.
Join us Friday at Siggy’s in Palm Bay, at Interchange Square, at 95 and Malabar Road, from 9:30 to 1:30….
Saturday it’s Matt’s in downtown Melbourne at a new time, 8 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/19/16 - 2/21/16
Absolute Blue Politifies
We are fed up. Fed up with the constant barrage of conflicting messages. Fed up with politics as usual. Fed up with being served a steaming pile of shiny crap. Trust me, we know what we’re talking about as Absolute Blue has been polishing turds for over 20 years. Years of planning and millions upon millions of dollars and this is the best the Big Two can do? Sure the debates start off strongly enough, with accusations, misrepresentations, innuendo and outright lies, but then quickly deteriorate into a bunch of words, a series of commas and an occasional period. It’s like a beauty pageant without the beauty and without the pageantry. At least at Wrestlemania they hit each other with chairs. It is because of this that the Absolute Blue Political Science and Pornography Evaluation Division has proposed a new set of political parties as the days of choosing ass or fat ass are obviously numbered. Please carefully review the following and let us know your preference. Your identity will remain anonymous unless you pick incorrectly:
-Denihilism: Maintains that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value, recognizes the perceived pointlessness of existence and that morality does not inherently exist. Then denies it.
-Exitstentialism: Believes that life is in fact a highway, although one should not drive it all night long.
-Tommunism: Of, for and pertaining to the thoughts, wishes and demands of Tom. Tom’s mom likes this one.
-Livertarianism: The belief that all internal organs are created equally. External perhaps not so.
-Trascism: A form of radical authoritarian nationalism. White Trascism would be a specific subset dealing with pickups, tobacco products and manufactured housing.
-Sudafederalism: A loosely configured organization where members are bound together by agreement or covenant, in this case relieving sinus pressure, pain and congestion related to the common cold.
Join us for the first full weekend of the year, starting with Tiki Bar in Sebastian Friday night from 7 to 11…
Saturday it’s back to Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
And Sunday it’s our first SBI of the year, from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/12/16 - 2/13/16
Absolute Blue Attires
We have worked long and hard on our newest entry into our wardrobe line, designed to enlighten and confuse the wearer. It promises to be more successful than earlier ventures such as the support for women afraid of lifting and separating, the No Fear Brassiere or the underwear for female botanists, the Crape Myrtle Girdle. This time we will not make the mistake of having the horn dogs model them. It's based on the most American of attire, already in high demand worldwide. Elegantly casual or casually elegant it’s the mainstay of any closet, dresser or armoire. After squandering millions of taxpayer dollars on fantasy football, online poker and action figure collectables, we are proud to bring you the Absolute Blue Jean. Prominently featured in this line:
-Stinking of cheap gin and stale perfume it's the Carouser Trouser.
-Unable to fit right, stay up and terribly overpriced it's The Pant That Can't.
-Specifically designed for millennial or oughts, it’s so laid back you don't even have to wear them; the Slacker Slacks.
-A brand made of simulated snakeskin we call Venom Denim.
-Pre-worn by athletes you’ve never heard of it’s the Semi Pro’s Chinos.
-A pre soiled version that really puts the dung in dungarees.
Sorry about that last one, but you really should have seen it coming…
Only one Absolute Blue performance this week, Saturday at Millikens at the Port, from 5 to 10…
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