Absolute Blue Invitation 11/01/19 - 11/02/19

Absolute Blue Exodizes

A stunning turn of events unfolded at the Absolute Blue Inc annual shareholders meeting, held for the 22nd consecutive year at an undisclosed Hooters location coinciding with quarter beer night. Along with coming within one vote of being renamed Bandy McBandface, it was overwhelming voted that we should leave the longstanding association that has been a part of Absolute Blue for over 20 years. This has long been debated by Don against a split faction that has since become known as the Never Trumpeters. The original idea of inclusion into the organization was to provide common goals and services. But this has soured as of late and there is an effort to cut these ties, now called Blexit, with the Southern Office Division of the United Musicians of Brevard. It is hard when we remember how long we have been SODUMB but we needed to make a stand for a more autonomous organization, and reduce our reliance on other bands. It will undoubtedly be a long and sometimes painful process but we are committed to this decision which will ultimately put us in the best position to be successful in the future. Among the changes:

-It is expected that this will open up trade to foreign markets which will be critical for fourth quarter revenue estimates and give us a chance to finally unload our substantial backlog of Don bobbleheads, or Dobbleheads, to an unsuspecting public.

-If not handled judiciously, this could wreak havoc with existing sponsorships, most notably Old Milwaukee Light and 7-11 brand frozen burritos, leaving us with only contracts with either Odor Eaters or adult undergarments, depends.

-We will be responsible for our own border security, handled by Don, who has been keeping up with his Jazzercise home videos, and Kevin, having just completed a series of Zumba classes. We are therefore ready for what is expected to be a full frontal assault from an unnamed local band.

-This leaves a significant power vacuum in the SODUMB infrastructure as Tom was a founding member of the steering committee, Bill led the strategic planning team and Skip made cupcakes every other Thursday.

Join us for a Friday night at Malabar Mo’s from 7 to 11…

Absolue Blue Invitation - 10/25/19 - 10/26/19

Absolute Blue Breaksfastizes

We remain undeterred by past failures in deployment of goods and services from our Absolute Blue Culinary Arts division and have developed yet another efficient if not edible innovation tailored to today’s modern lifestyle. It’s a step above our earlier efforts, such as Runaway Café, which revolutionizes fast food by eliminating the need to stop. Merely drive by and we provide a variety of poorly made menu items through an open window. Unfortunately, we left coffee on the menu and as a cash only venture Kevin was in concussion protocol multiple times when customers paid with rolls of quarters. We can’t even mention our other programs due to pending litigation, such as our chicken delivery system, based on Meals on Wheels, called Fryers on Tires. This time we scale things back and focus on the most simple of products for the most important meal: 

-Discount Chocula: Budget version of the beloved breakfast food produced with questionable ingredients by questionable workers under questionable conditions. Made with real chalk. 

-Honey Bunches of Boats: Gelatinous plant based fragments stamped into various shapes resembling canoes, sloops and pontoon boats. Special Halloween edition includes Titanic, Lusitania and Mary Celeste. 

-Alfalfa Bits: Our vegan entry. To be avoided at all costs. See also Beirut Loops. 

-MooseLix: All organic and so named as that’s how Don described the taste. Not sure we want to know any more but one thing’s for sure, it puts the NO! in granola. 

-Tweeties: These bits of leftover carcasses and recycled cardboard are designed to appeal to the younger generation and spell out such nonsense as LOL, OMG and WTF. Guaranteed to have no nutritional or grammatical value. 

Join us for a special Saturday at Sunset Cafe in Cocoa Beach, where 520 meets the river, from 5 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation - 10/18/19 - 10/19/19

Absolute Blue Elegizes

‘Twas the night ‘fore All Hallows and all through the bar,

The horn dogs weren’t drinking like they usually are.

I asked as they sat all alone on their stools,

“Why are you sitting there looking like fools?”

“There’s no beer!”, cried Don, while Kevin just wept,

And pointed to shelves where the beer’s usually kept.

No bottles of Molson, no cans of Red Stripe,

No half drunken bottles of Michelob Light.

No Konas, no Buschs and no Funky Buddha,

No autumnal ales that go well with smoked gouda.

No Guinness, no Blue Moon, no pale ale in growlers.

We’ve been here just waiting, it’s been several hours.

Then from the back room there arose such a clatter,

I jumped up but thought, without beer does it matter?

Then who should appear but a man with a dolly,

And on it were Yuenglings and girls from St Pauli,

Some Stellas, Dos Equis, Milwaukee s Best Ice,

(They’re tough to choke down but you can’t beat the price).

“Thanks!” we all said as we reached for our glasses

And filled them with bock and stouts thick as molasses.

We filled them with pilsners and cold IPA’s,

With luke warm malt liquor we could drink for days.

He winked and he said as he left for the night,

“Happy All Hallows y’all, and to all a good fright…”

Join us for a special Cancer Awareness benefit at the Palm Bay Eagles, 2570 Palm Bay Road, from 7:30 to 10:30 Saturday…