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Absolute Blue Invitation 6/16/17 - 6/18/17
Absolute Blue Disenfranchises
Once again Tom Cruise’s loss is our gain. The relative failure of his recent film has put the entire Dark Universe franchise on hold, enabling a new series to take its place. Sure, The Mummy has seen significant revenues globally, but tanked here, which speaks to the level of sophistication of the American film palate. Which should have become apparent with the Ernest trilogy or at least Sharknado one and two. This sets the stage for the Absolute Blue: Origins series. Yes, the time is right, now more than ever, to tell the untold and largely fictional story, mostly because no one can really remember, of how the 5 came together, eschewing the traditional values of musicianship, professionalism and good taste, to battle the dark forces of music. Proving time and time again that together they can work side by side, preserving democracy one beer at a time and protecting America from radical musical fundamentalists. But that’s not all. Many more films are planned such as the following:
-Skip: Oh Hell No, Absolute Blue Inc and Insanity Limited present a Best Case production of a Worst Band You’ll Ever Love film in association with Arrogance Unlimited, a subsidiary of Corpnews Corporation in partnership with Corporated Incorporated and distributed through Untimely Musicians International. A film consisting entirely of credits.
-Don: This Time It’s Personnel, focusing on his early years in Human Resources, then Super Human Resources. staring the recently deceased Leslie Neilson
-Kevin: Never Stop Not Sliding, follows our tromboner through the tough years, when all the cool kids had cool instruments, he was able to fashion a slidey thing from a set of paper clips and spittle . The rest is history.
-Bill: Back 2 tha Hoodie, one musician’s journey to self-discovery through a variety of apparel. Watch him struggle through sweaters, pullovers and cardigans on his way to individual awareness.
-Tom: The Awakening, featuring Scarlett Johansson in the titular role. Just because we like to say role.
Join us for a Friday and Saturday at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Bach Pier from 6 to 10…
Then Sunday it’s Millikens at the Port from 2 to 7…
Absolute Blue Invitation 6/09/17 - 6/11/17
Absolute Blue Reconditions
Welcome to Absolute Blue, your one stop shop for all your used music needs! We have it all from gently played to completely worn out tunes. Don’t settle for overpriced new music that depreciates as soon as you hear it. After all, why would you pay retail when you can invest in the unbeatable value of previously heard music? And ask about our weekly specials. If you don’t see what you want, just let us know. Through our exclusive partnership with other local bands such as Bittersweet and the Divas, we can get it for you. You can also take part in our frequent listeners program, which grants you one free note for each paid one. Think of it as the musical equivalent to a swap meet. Sure, it doesn’t have that new music smell, but normally you can’t smell music. Unless it’s the horn dogs. If you still don’t see what you want, for a nominal fee we can customize all of your favorite tones into an assortment of used music that we call A Series Of Unfortunate Notes. Ask about our EZ Financing offers or our 0/0/0 promotion, where you get zero interest, zero down and zero tolerance. You can always go with music that no one has ever heard before, but why take the chance? Choose the tried and true, what we like to call the comfort music, of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love…
Join us for more used music Friday at Grind and Grape, on Bougainvillea, just off Ocean Drive in beautiful Vero Beach from 9 to 12…
Saturday it’s our return to Millikens at the Port from 5 to 10…
Then Sunday join us Oceanside as we hit Sebastian Beach Inn from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 5/26/17 - 5/26/17
Absolute Blue Recalls
In coordination with the United States Bureau of Standards and Measurements, local Law Enforcement agencies and PETA, we have determined that there have been specific and documentable instances where The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has not met the minimal levels of set forth in the Absolute Blue, Inc. Articles of Contradiction. This unapologetic and largely hypothetical document specifically states that the band will not unknowingly or purposefully ‘suck too bad’, along with olfactory and hygiene standards. If you or your loved ones have been present at any of the below incidents, you may be entitled to monetary compensation, emotional reimbursement or in extreme cases, a group hug. Simply call the Absolute Blue Division Of Consumer Affairs, Telekinesis and Animal Husbandry hotline at 1.800.WHO.CARES and schedule a consultation with a largely apathetic team of outsourced Customer Support professionals, comprised mostly of indigent and psychologically unstable former strippers.
-April 10, 2012: Skip first attempts to play both keyboards and guitar at the same time. This results in mass confusion among fans concerning right/left brain functions and expected compensation.
-September 21, 2009: Tom’s horrific playing causes patrons to question the state of, or what constitutes ‘music’ and how it could go so terribly wrong. On site counselors are unable to handle the influx of the emotionally stricken.
-February 7, 2007: After a loss of motor skills, Kevin’s instrument separates, with one section landing near the audience, endangering innocent women and children unused to seeing musical instruments branded as weapons.
-December 15, 2013: Don finally takes his fashion nonsense too far. Obviously misled by a JC Penney employee, his outfit contained more than the maximum number of tropical flowers/fish allowed by law on any shirt/shorts ensemble. And those legs.
-June 30, 2016: Bill’s Republican furor leads people to believe they are at a political rally. As he has done so many times before, he signed autographs as Bill O’Reilly.
Join us for a Friday night at Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11, as we take next weekend off for some extreme exfoliation sessions…
Absolute Blue Invitation 5/19/17 - 5/20/17
Absolute Blue Astronomizes
This time of year on clear, crisp nights we can turn our eyes to the Kevins and take wonder at the Donstallations all through the Billky way, such as the big Skipper, that shine brightly above. An awe inspiring display that puts in perspective our place here on our own little rock. And wonder at the multitude of marketing possibilities. Sure, you can register a star of your own for $19.95, but what about the space between the stars? There is unlimited potential there. I know what you’re thinking, it’s like the time we sold bottles of air, which worked out well enough until Don got the idea of farting in every 6th bottle. We told him that it was a terrible idea, that it should be more like every 5 bottles, but would he listen? Or maybe like the time we ordered 500 pair of edible sox. Or the time we introduced the first solar powered flashlight. Or developed gluten free water. We had the market cornered on our electric surfboard till that string of fatalities. Our brief jerky was the perfect blend or erotic and dietetic but simply was not marketed correctly. And the jalapeno oreo idea was simply ahead of its time. At one time we offered an extensive line of pet cologne but abandoned that to start our toddler vaping system. Sales of our inflatable bear trap were disappointing and we lost a lot of money on the chocolate covered McRib. But will this one pay off?
You bet your asteroid.
Join us as we welcome Don back to the lineup at Siggy’s in Palm Bay this Friday from 9:30 to 1:30…
And Saturday it’s Lou’s Blues also from 9:30 to 1:30…
Absolute Blue Astronomizes
This time of year on clear, crisp nights we can turn our eyes to the Kevins and take wonder at the Donstallations all through the Billky way, such as the big Skipper, that shine brightly above. An awe inspiring display that puts in perspective our place here on our own little rock. And wonder at the multitude of marketing possibilities. Sure, you can register a star of your own for $19.95, but what about the space between the stars? There is unlimited potential there. I know what you’re thinking, it’s like the time we sold bottles of air, which worked out well enough until Don got the idea of farting in every 6th bottle. We told him that it was a terrible idea, that it should be more like every 5 bottles, but would he listen? Or maybe like the time we ordered 500 pair of edible sox. Or the time we introduced the first solar powered flashlight. Or developed gluten free water. We had the market cornered on our electric surfboard till that string of fatalities. Our brief jerky was the perfect blend or erotic and dietetic but simply was not marketed correctly. And the jalapeno oreo idea was simply ahead of its time. At one time we offered an extensive line of pet cologne but abandoned that to start our toddler vaping system. Sales of our inflatable bear trap were disappointing and we lost a lot of money on the chocolate covered McRib. But will this one pay off?
You bet your asteroid.
Join us as we welcome Don back to the lineup at Siggy’s in Palm Bay this Friday from 9:30 to 1:30…
And Saturday it’s Lou’s Blues also from 9:30 to 1:30…
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