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Absolute Blue Invitation 8/04/17 - 8/05/17
Absolute Blue Personnelizes
It’s time to jump directly into the most recent political furor. No, not the firing of the Communications Director before even starting his job. Although you cannot deny the brilliance of that move. If we had been able to anticipate the antics of our existing members we would have a completely different lineup, guaranteed. No, we are speaking of the specific group born one way but desperately needing to be something else, kind of like Republicans. Call them transgendered, Francegendered or Rosencrantzgendered, our goal is to put together a strategy based on gender affiliation, orientation or identification that would apply to the entire Absolute Blue Inc. family, its many subsidiaries and those that support our unique brand of goods and services. A comprehensive plan that could be used as a model for other corporations or world governments. The only requirement is that you provide your own facilities, be it a Port-O-Let or bucket, depends.
-Transvestites accepted with strict limitations. Must be able to prove original gender and must be able to accessorize.
-Hermaphrodites, once ostracized for their inability to commit, are now approved due to Don’s unwavering support.
-Cross dressing is permissible if not encouraged, as is dressing as other religious symbols, such as a star or crescent. Swastikas need not apply.
-We should not forget about the polygamists, as not only the Sister Wives, but Brother Husbands as well are allowed. Please, no Uncle Daughters or Aunt Sons.
Join us this Friday in Sebastian as we take on the Tiki Bar from 7 to 11…
Then Saturday it’s Millikens at the Port from 5 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/28/17 - 7/30/17
Absolute Blue Poetizes
We at Absolute Blue like to kid around. We make frequent jokes about our incompetence, or incontinence, depends. But we have a serious side as well. We understand that we have been given a great gift, to be able get together with good friends for good times and have for so long. So we would like to take a moment this week to commemorate this, to acknowledge the fact that we have been able to do whatever it is we do for so many years. And what better format to express this that the minimalistic and rhythmic beauty of the most famous of Japanese prose. This uses just a few words to capture a moment and create a picture in the reader's mind. Like a tiny window into a scene much larger than itself. Behold:
Music fills the air
Joyful, blissful, then gone..as
A fart in the wind
Join us for a big weekend starting with Lou’s Blues Friday at 9:30 to 1:30…
Then Saturday it’s Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10:00…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/14/17 - 7/23/17
Absolute Blue Amazes
Tired of the niceties and formality of your automated response system? Frustrated that Siri and Alexa can’t take a joke and keep alerting the authorities? Want your imaginary friend to treat you more like your bud? The Absolute Blue Inc Research and Development Division is proud to announce the Brolexa 3000. It synthesizes local colloquial speech patterns and inflections to provide a more relatable conversation for you and is guaranteed not to remind you of talking to your fifth grade math teacher. Best of all the Brolexa 3000 is designed to learn vernacular, syntax and phrasing to make interaction customized to you personally, so the flow of speech is as natural as conversing with a close friend. Take for instance a recently recorded Brolexa 3000 conversation:
Bro…
You again, bitch?
Bro, what’s the nearest nightclub?
Bitches be making it rain up in The Inner Room. What, you need a groupon, bitch?
Bro, what’s the weather?
Bitch, do I sound like Jim Cantore?
Bro, place my most recent pizza order.
Ham and pineapple from Little Ceasers? Bitch please…
Bro, what’s a joule?
A joule is the SI unit of work or energy, equal to the work done by a force of one newton when its point of application moves one meter in the direction of action of the force, equivalent to one 3600th of a watt-hour. Bitch.
Thanks, Bro…
Punk ass bitch.
Join us for this Friday night at Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…
Then next up is Sunday, July 24, at SBI from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/07/17 - 7/09/17
Absolute Blue Literizes
We have often been asked what happens on weekends when Absolute Blue is not performing. Considering our recent time off we are in a position to answer this accurately and completely. Since world peace is at hand, global hunger has been eliminated and we are now Making America Great Again, we turn our attention to other relevant topics. It has long been widely known that American literature has grown stagnant and we are currently losing our edge over the rest of the world. While other bands are content to sit by and watch this happen, The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love is taking action. We have taken the liberty to update and revitalize some classic titles and painstakingly retooled these to make them more commercially viable while still maintaining relevancy to the reader. The result, we believe, will leave you spellbound, with renewed confidence in the US’s ability to provide epic entertainment, as commonly found within our music:
-A Farewell to Armstrong: Skip provides an in depth look at the USADA’s controversial decision to ban Lance from competition and the affect that it had on him both medically, bycically and testicularly.
-War and Pizza: Set in a dystopian future where pizza chains have aligned and declared war against each other. Kevin’s story follows the deep dish atrocities carried out by the Papa John fundamentalists and the stuffed crust barbarity conducted by the Little Caesar extremists.
-Of Mice and Menopause: Bill brings us an anecdotal tale of the nuanced changes, mentally, physically, and emotionally, in middle aged women. As told by small rodents.
-Beowolfenstein: Tom blends the terror of a mythical Scandinavian monster with Nazis in this interpretation of the landmark first person shooter game. Grendle that, bitches.
-The Old Man and the Ceiling: Don’s extensive struggles with renovating the living room is told in excruciating detail. Yes, it’s the literary equivalent of watching paint dry.
Join us for a full weekend beginning Friday at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
Then Saturday it’s back to Grind and Grape in Vero Beach, just off Ocean Blvd on Bougainvillea…
And Sunday it’s Millikens at the Port from 2 to 7…
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