Absolute Blue Invitation 1/25/19 - 1/26/19

Absolute Blue Repeats

We can explain. As previously mentioned, we had every intention of performing last Sunday until an ill-fated decision to stop at Taco Bell. It started innocently enough with Kevin ordering a bean burrito at the drive through, but then Tom ordered a taco with extra paprika. Bill broke the uneasy silence by demanding a liter of Coke instead of a large Pepsi, whereupon unfazed, Don inexplicably yelled “Vive la France!” then began reciting limericks. When pulling up to the next window, Skip mumbled something to the attendant about coleslaws being bad for the environment. We believe he meant soda straws but we will never be sure. Then Bill attempted to tip the cashier. At this point we could hear the sirens getting closer. Somewhere along the line the authorities were alerted and we were informed that we faced potential charges of concessionary bribery (turns out to be a thing) and conspiracy to commit a cursory burglary (probably not a thing). The responding officer asked Bill if he had any id and he said “‘Bout what?” They were considering Baker Acting Don until we explained that he played trumpet, after which they offered a toll free support number. Fortunately this happened in Satellite Beach so instead of any actual jail time we received time out. And as a result, we are banned from a number of drive throughs including Arby’s, Popeyes and Church’s, although we’re not sure whether that pertains to just Catholic or all denominations.

So this Friday while traveling to our performance at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11, we have been ordered not to stop for any food, drink, hitchhikers or red lights…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/19/19 - 1/20/19

Absolute Blue Shutsdown

One wonders how it ever got to this point. How a simple ideological difference manifested itself into a complete disruption of the normal flow of goods and services. It is only during these trying times that we realize the width and breadth of such an interruption, the impact it has on our daily lives. Each faction is quick to blame the other, but we here at Absolute Blue note that in the meantime, do we as a people stop our normal lives, our work and tax paying? Of course not. It is with this in mind that we are doing all we can to get things moving again. And so we address these fundamental differences directly. Tom and Skip maintain that we stick to the old and classic fart jokes while Bill and Kevin embrace new and innovative fart jokes. And in a bold and strategically questionable move, Don has cast a vote of No Confidence in the current Absolute Blue administration. The methodology here is unclear at best, but it turns out that this is a right granted to each active member. Even Don. I looked it up. But the time for action is now, as recent studies have shown that we are at an historic low in the use and application of fart jokes themselves, and the attendance to marginally passable music is trending sharply downward as well. Soon the Absolute Blue shutdown will impact us all in heretofore unprecedented fashion.

It is because of this that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has agreed collectively to set aside any differences no matter how inconsequential or irrelevant, immaterial or mundane, and declare this Sunday, January 20, 2019, as a day to come together, more specifically at the Crab Stop in Sebastian from 2 to 6, and reach across the table, not to strike with vengeance upon thy adversary, but in a token gesture of brotherhood and for the common good. Monday, however, we will resume our pursuit of crushing the bastards…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/04/19 - 1/05/19

Absolute Blue Postholidizes

Now that the holiday season is behind us, we feel a sense of emptiness as the parties, celebrations and festivities are over. It’s like a mourning that lasts all afternoon and evening. As we take time to ponder the true meaning of a week and a half after Christmas, it’s time to say goodbye to Ebenezer and the Christmas ghosts, the Grinch and the people of Whoville, George Bailey and Mr. Potter and hopefully Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm. But it’s also time to review what we’ve accomplished over the past year, to take stock. Or bonds. Or a nicely managed mutual fund. Since 2018 will always be remembered as the year we leveraged our retirement fund in bitcoin futures, we look forward to continuing our struggle for legitimacy in the coming year, which we understand to be much better than the opposite. So we hereby bring you our extremely acceptable 2019 New Year’s Resolutions:

-Tom: For 2019 I resolve to be more tolerant and consider all viewpoints when making decisions, consider a guiding paradigm to self-betterment and value the many and varied opinions and thoughts of others no matter what their political, social, economic, gender or spiritual beliefs. Except musicians.

-Skip: My New Year’s Revolution will be against the fascist, tyrannical overseers of social media who repeatedly thwart my attempts to post plans to use my considerable mind control powers to thwart terrorism and crush beer cans.

-Bill: I will be revolving counterclockwise, as always.

-Kevin: I will be resolving math problems that were previously solved.

-Don: I’m surprised to hear of Bluebeard’s Absolution as I understood him to be a most barbaric pirate.

Join us this Friday to officially honor the end of the holidays in our very first Falalalapalooza at Monkey Bar in Indialantic from 8 to 12…